the words we say…

stfu

this week, i earned myself an asshole award, at least, that’s what it feels like.

on a day that i called someone a douche bag (several times over, mind you), he was about 20 minutes away fighting for his life.

needless to say, i feel incredibly guilty, like somehow i cursed him with my secret powers of voodoo that i didn’t know about.

now, the things i said about him were not exactly undeserved, and they certainly were not anything that i wouldn’t tell him to his face. so, logically, i cannot be blamed for this sick cosmic joke.

still, when his wife, who is one of my very favorite people in the world, called me crying about his accident, i felt like i needed to confess my sins of the voice.

it wasn’t and still isn’t appropriate, however.

even if i think the guy pulled some asshole moves, my heart has felt very heavy over the last 36 hours. he is a lineman, like my husband, and when men in this job field get hurt, every lineman and his family feels it. we are all affected. we all cry for him. we all cry for his family.

you see, as wives of linemen, we are always prepared to get the call. linemen are the unsung heroes, the ones who are constantly at risk. when they get injured, the injuries are either fatal or so severe that you wish they were fatal.

here’s a secret… even as an atheist, i wish that i could’ve found comfort in prayer this week. i wish that i could’ve asked put my burdens onto some higher entity. i wish that asking for his health could have helped his family.

prayer1

i just wanted to help, and as they flew him to the burn center several hundred miles away, i was left to do nothing but think…

it’s never supposed to be someone we know. it’s never supposed to be someone that has sat at my dinner table. it’s never supposed to be someone that i have vacationed with. his face is in pictures on my wall. his children have a place in my home and heart forever.

if an accident happens, it shouldn’t be someone that has a face for me.

in the end, he has been a miracle of science. he is doing as well as can be expected for someone who had 14k volts go through him. and the lineman community in the area is breathing a little easier.

still, i have learned that my big mouth may bring bad karma. or maybe, that is just a narcissistic thought and it’s a small world with big coincidences.

i still feel like an ass though.

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10 thoughts on “the words we say…”

    1. I understand and completely respect your need for prayer. This week, when things got at their worst, I wished that I could find comfort in those ideals. But it is just not who I am. I know that you and Ray don’t understand that, but it is just the truth.

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    1. It does if you tend to be the type of person that hates being criticized by others. Unfortunately, a lot of people assume that atheists are devil worshipping heathens, but most are good people who just believe in living good lives.

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      1. True. But I also meant courage as in you have totally accept that you are utterly alone. No one is going to reach out and help. No one to rely on to magically save you. No hope of happy endings unless you get up and make that happy ending yourself. It really does make you brave.. even if you don’t realize.

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      2. I’ve never thought of it like that. Part of me finds it so comforting, though. There is no plan for us, there is no one holding some fate over our heads. It can be empowering. This is all the time we have, so we better try our damnedest to make this life as amazing as possible. There is no other option, and there is no redemption. It puts all of the power in our own hands, which can be incredibly freeing. Most people can’t accept atheism because they are uncomfortable with having that much control over their own life. It is just too overwhelming for them, but for me, it only makes it a challenge.

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      3. Absolutely! That is why I can never get myself to date someone who is not atheist. People have criticized me for that. But honestly.. how am I supposed to think that I can share my future life with someone who would never be able to understand how I digest my present?
        Being an atheist has such an impact on your entire life. You don’t have your destiny written out for you. You seek out connections and spirituality in “unusual” places and not everyone can be easily accepting of that.
        But yes. I do heartily agree with you. Yet for my part, as I grew up an atheist, I have often craved the “simplicity” of religion. You do your best and it’s okay if your life kind of sucks because you will get rewarded for that eventually. Do you know how amazingly easy that sounds? haha
        But then again.. The part I would hate the most about being religious I think would be on how could I possibly love someone or some sort of deity without feeling that love fairly spread across everyone and everything on this planet.. I do realize it’s a bit naive but I don’t think it’s anymore naive than billions of people and “souls” being punished for eating an apple.

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      4. It is not as difficult as you think to be with someone with different views. My husband is probably more agnostic than I could ever be comfortable with. He has no desire to know; he really doesn’t care one way or another when it comes to the great philosophical question. Sometimes it drives me nuts that he won’t fall to one side or another of the fence.

        That aside, I understand the comfort you talk about in religion. It would be incredibly easy to have some sort of redemption or justice at the end of your life. That notion helps most people through the monotony, I think. It helps them deal with the awful things in the world and in their lives.

        I do believe that atheists can have spirituality, and that religion and spirituality are not mutually exclusive. I believe that there is a certain amount of karma in this world, that living a good life can bring you good things. I think that embracing science can provide a certain amount of spirituality too. Lawrence Krauss, a famous physicist, once said “forget Christ dying for your sins, the Stars have died so that you can be here today. You are all stardust.” There was more to his speech, talking about how the atoms in our left hand came from a different star than the atoms in our right hand. For me, that is incredibly beautiful, and helps me to feel a connection to the universe that religion just hasn’t been able to give me.

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  1. One more thing… Being atheist also makes you genuinely more proud as a person which probably reflects in self confident. Knowing that you pick yourself up every time, and giving yourself full credit for things has a real rewarding impact on our well being.
    I have often dreamed of being a doctor just so I can shush people when they thank god for my hard work, and all those people who slaved away to make that ripple effect through history and across the world to find that one formula, or technique that saved 10000s of lives. And we go and ignore all of those and just thank someone who is not even there *rollseye*

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    1. I get your frustration with that. When someone tells me just how fortunate I am to have a roof over my head and food on my table, and that I should thank God for it all, I get really mad. My reply? “No one is to thank for all of that except my husband, he works his ass off to provide all of that for our family. Do not take his credit away from him.” I find it really offensive to take away the hard work someone does each and every day. Denying the credit of medical miracles to those that did them is just as rude.

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