(Warning: serious explicit language used here. I’ve got a potty mouth and I like to use it!)
If any of you have followed me on Facebook for any length of time, you will know that I go seriously aggro on bad traffic. And it’s not that I am a bad driver, or that I am unnecessarily pissed off at everyone on the road… No. It is that I cannot stand to be driving near idiots. I typically drive in heavy traffic screaming the Ludacris lyrics “Move bitch, get out the way! Get out the way, bitch, get out the way!” My kids have heard every cuss word known to man because of my screaming at idiots. Yeah, it’s that bad.
Traffic jam because there is an accident on the opposite side of the highway? I’m irate. People who fail to use signaling? Oh, you bet that I’m fucking irritated. I have lived in this border city (El Paso, Texas for those of you who don’t know) off and on for 17 years. The most maddening thing about this city is that it has grown exponentially, only to be left with roads that are inadequate for the growth and in constant repair.
So, I thought that I would write up some rules of etiquette for the non-road-rager. If you are the calm and patient driver, these are the rules that will help you avoid the wrath of people like me. These are the rules that you need to follow before I ram my car into yours.
1. Don’t be a cheeky twat. There is no need for you to look into my car at a stop light. I will immediately assume that you are either a bitch, just trying to size me up, or a perv trying to check me out. It’ll give me the creeps, it will be awkward for us both, so it’s just better that we keep our eyes in our own car. Plus, I don’t need you seeing my messy kids in the back. I don’t need your judgment.
2. If you insist on being in the fast lane, remain the speed of the cars in front and behind you. Don’t want to speed? Fine, then get the fuck out of my way. It is not your problem if I get pulled over or die in a fiery crash, so don’t try to control my speed by trapping me behind you.
3. Don’t be a cock-blocker. This rule of etiquette is really kind of an amendment to the first. If I am stuck behind a slow person, don’t come up on my left and keep pace with me. Yeah, I get it, you are getting a kick out of boxing me in and denying me passage through you fuckers… but I am an impatient woman and I just can’t handle that. I get claustrophobic, I need to be freeeeee.
4. This one is important. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, USE YOUR GODDAMN BLINKER! I don’t care if you are in a ‘Turn Only’ lane. I don’t care if there is no one directly behind you. Those annoying little clickers are there for a reason! Use them!
5. I only mentioned this briefly before, but don’t slow down for an accident that is on the opposite side of the highway. Don’t be a fuckin looky-loo. You don’t need to see what happened, and you’ll only make me wreck my pretty, gorgeous blue Jeep in the process. And then I’ll be pissed. And I’ll be super pissed if my kids are in the car with me. You have been warned.
6. I don’t know if anyone told you, but it’s illegal just about everywhere to hold a phone to your ear while driving. And there is a good reason for that. You are crap at driving with that at your ear. Use a goddamn bluetooth like everyone else.
7. If road work signs tell us a mile back that the left lane is closed ahead, don’t pull a douche move and stay in that lane until you have to squeeze your p.o.s. in front of me. Don’t pretend that you didn’t see that sign. Everyone saw that sign. And you are a serious asshole for ignoring it, only to cut me off later.
8. Whether you are merging onto the highway, or you are merging onto a busy road from an access, move your ass to the same rate as everyone else. Don’t try this bullshit where you get on at 40 mph in a 60 zone. I, as the driver who has already successfully entered the lane, should not have to slam on my fucking brakes because you decide to be a dillhole! Speed the fuck up, people!
9. Another amendment: when merging from an access area, don’t swing into the far lane. The first lane is always the appropriate area. If oncoming traffic is able to change lanes to make it easier for you, they will. But don’t make them lose control of their shit because you are a fucking moron. Either speed up or slow down and get the fuck in as safely as possible.
10. For you road-ragers like me: don’t fuckin tailgate. I’m a bitch who lives in a state where the person in the rear of the accident is always at fault. I will slam on my fucking brakes just because I am tired of you being up my ass. Defensive driving says to keep a distance of 4 seconds for 60 mph; back the fuck off.
I know I seem overly angry or resentful in this. I am really not. I am just tired of licenses being handed out to any motherfucker who can study and answer a few questions.
Get it together, people.
On a side note, I hope everyone is having a great holiday season!!